i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
