Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
