i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
