Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
God, I missed his penis.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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