Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
