The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
