My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize