I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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