Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
