you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
