I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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