I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I need a beard to bite.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize