I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
