I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I puked a lego.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
