He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
