Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
