dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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