My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
