If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
