I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
