SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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