i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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