i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Randomize
