'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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