Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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