Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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