what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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