Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
