So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
As shirtless as possible
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
