I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
