Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
