FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize