By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
