the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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