I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
