Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
