All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
