If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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