I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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