can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
