We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize