I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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