I have demons in me.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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