I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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