I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
