I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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