Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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