You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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