my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
