His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
