Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
