wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
