No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize