im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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