I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
