I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
only you would photoshop your dick
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
