he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
