hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
