i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize