Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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