I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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