I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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