The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Oh god it's open bar.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
