I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
