I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
