That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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